Interpreting Your Baby’s Cries (yeah, right.)

In just about every magazine and book on parenting, you’ll find articles on how to interpret your baby’s cries. One cry will tell you she’s hungry, one will tell you her diaper is wet, one will tell you she’s bored, etc., etc., etc. This is all part of baby’s first attempts to communicate with you, the parents. Well according to experts I know (my mom and dad), children never willingly communicate anything useful to their parents. In fact, all attempts at communication are usually stringently avoided unless your kids want you to buy them something.

However, I do believe that Sam is trying to tell me something when she starts wailing, and she has a wide range of expressive cries. As a public service to other frazzled, burnt-out moms, I have decided to share with you what those different types of cries mean.

Soft grunting noise - I am not happy. Do something about it.

Hard grunting noise, accompanied by farting or spitting up - I am not happy. Do something about it or I will make a big mess and you will have to clean it up.

Persistent crying, accompanied by arms flailing and legs kicking - I’m ticked off. Pick me up so I may smash my pointed little head into your face.

High pitched screaming, face turns bright red and eyes are screwed shut - I’m getting pissed off here. Make me happy or else.

Mouth is opened wide in a scream, but no noise comes out; baby’s face is livid; her entire body is shaking in rage - I’m really, really pissed off. Make me happy now or you’re going to regret it.

Baby emits the same ear-piercing, glass shattering scream over and over and over again; her face is twisted into an expression that looks like something out of a horror movie; her arms and legs are locked straight out and her entire body is rigid - I hate you. You are incompetent. Who the hell told you that you could be a parent? I want my money back. This sucks. I’ll spend the rest of my life in therapy because you can not figure out how to make me happy. By the way, I’ve got a big messy poop in my diaper again and as soon as you pick me up I will spit up all over your best shirt, which is dry clean only of course.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what your infant is really trying to tell you. Good luck.