Let’s Talk About Sex And Motherhood

Okay, so I’m not gonna shoot my husband.

Honestly, how could I shoot a man who would sit and listen to me rant and rave about my lousy day for almost an hour yesterday afternoon, then still cook me a nice dinner? And it was a really nice dinner too.

Yesterday was pretty bad, but it had its good points too. The best part was that Sam was asleep in her crib by 8:30 PM. I actually got to read for half an hour before going to bed early. Not that I got much sleep. My husband was feeling kind of frisky so I ended up staying up late last night anyway.

I’m in two different minds when it comes to sex and mommyhood. On the one hand, I feel like I just can’t be a mom and a sexual creature at the same time. Exhaustion simply kills my sex drive, and motherhood is nothing if not exhausting. I get six hours of sleep at most each night, and that sleep is frequently disrupted by late night feedings and preschoolers waking me up to announce there are monsters under the bed. During the day, I’ve got two kids hanging all over me. One is usually latched on and sucking the life out of me. The other is wrapped around my legs screaming for me to play with her. This leaves me with no time to relax or take care of myself, and if I can’t relax, I have a hard time sparking any interest in sex.

On the other hand, though, I miss feeling sexy and I miss having sex. Sex is a huge part of my identity. I write erotica and I create erotic art. My work revolves around creating arousal. My everyday life used to revolve around it too. I can remember a time when I would wake up in the middle of the night, not to nurse a baby, but to ravish my husband instead. Michael and I would spend entire weekends in bed, having non-stop sex and making enough noise to scare the neighbors. Back then, the only toys we had in the house were sex toys and my lingerie draw overflowed with Victoria’s Secret instead of nursing bras. Yep, those were good days.

So I’m thinking about sex right now, wondering if I can ever go back to the love life I used to have with my husband. People tell me no, it’s normal to watch your sex drive dry up and blow away when you’ve got kids. But part of me thinks that’s just bull crap. I can get my sexy groove back. I just have to figure out how.

I’ll talk about this some more tomorrow. Right now, I think I’m gonna catch some Z’s in the glider.

Here's today's artwork. This poor guy's got a sex life about like my own, I think...



Figure drawing, 30 August 2006

Getting Ready For Preschool, Part III - Can My Husband Even Get Out Of Bed?

I had honestly intended to write about an entirely different subject this morning, but I’m so damned irritated today that I’ve just decided to vent instead. I feel like I’ve spent the last several weeks busting my ass while everyone else in the house does their very best to thwart my efforts to accomplish any work. Sam won't go to bed without a fight. Cassie refuses to nap. And now Michael... First it was the paper he had to write, then the business trip he took to present said paper. Both these things required me to give up a lot of my time so I could handle most of the child care on my own while he worked. Now we’re just a few days away from the start of preschool and try as I might to get this family on schedule in preparation for what’s going to happen next week, nobody seems to care, and I'm the one getting screwed as a result.

I get up at 4:45 AM. No, I’m not joking. 4:45 AM, the butt-crack of dawn. I do this to grab an hour of work time before the rest of the family wakes up, because once they’re up, there’s no way I’m going to be able to sit at the computer and work. Not with a baby to nurse, a preschooler to dress and feed and a husband to prod out of bed. And let me tell you, I just love that last task. Why the hell is it that I’m the first one up and the last one to bed, and yet he sits there and complains that he’s not a morning person? He’s not even setting his damned alarm clock. He’s depending on me to nudge his ass out of bed! Hello! Can we say completely unfair? It's not like he’s getting out of bed at 2 AM to take care of the baby. That’s my job too!

I’m so tired of this. I wish people (i.e. my husband) would show a little more respect for the work I’m trying to do. I wish it mattered to him that I’ve got a novel to submit and artwork to draw. But I guess my work just doesn’t make enough money to matter to anyone else but me. Grumble, grumble, bitch, whine, complain...

Sigh. I love my husband. But if he doesn’t start getting up on his own at 6 AM, I’m gonna shoot him.

Here’s the artwork for today. More work on that Manga Academy assignment, this time drawing champagne glasses. It’s not thrilling stuff, I know, but it does give me practice.



Champagne Glasses, 29 August 2006