Move It Mama Monday! - Fat and Dizzy

Wii Fit says I'm fat. My gynecologist says I've got an inner ear infection.

And yes, those two statements are actually related! I know, the latter statements sounds a little weird. "Uh, did you say your gynecologist said you had an ear infection?" And I know what you're thinking. "That's a strange place to keep your ears, Helen..." And just so you know, my good friend Nobilis of the Nobilis Erotica Podcast already beat you to that joke. But it's true.

You see, the past two weeks I've had a slew of female troubles (and if that sort of things grosses you out, you can stop reading here, although it won't be that gross so why not read on and quit being a big baby, okay?). For starters, my last period was five days late. Considering my plumbing works like clockwork (yeah, I'm mixing my metaphors here), five days is an awful lot of being late. However, I took three home pregnancy tests and they all came out negative, and then I went to the doctor's office and they did a pregnancy test on me and that came out negative too.

Then my period finally started. But it was really light. And it only lasted four days. And I was having Braxton Hicks contractions. Lots of Braxton Hicks contractions. And then the dizziness started and I couldn't pry myself out of bed or off the couch for anything. And did I mention my weight suddenly shot up about five pounds?

So I took another pregnancy test, because I swear it felt like I was pregnant. But that came out negative too, and so did another one at the gynecologist's office. And then when I told my doc about all the symptoms and the dizziness, he decided to take a look at my ears, and he saw...

Both eardrums packed with fluid!

That explained the dizziness right there. Apparently the pollen count has been rather high in our area, and I had an allergic reaction of sorts that involved fluid in my ears rather than snot leaking out my nose.

As for the contractions, the doc did a quick ultrasound on me and confirmed that not only was I soooooo not pregnant (I really was worried about an ectopic pregnancy at that point), but that I also had no fibroid tumors in my uterus. What I did have was one hell of a thick lining of blood and tissue in there, some of which should have shed during my last, late period, but didn't. No, it had just stayed there, building up until it looked like my uterus was packed solid with tissue and blood, all of it now just waiting for my next menstrual cycle to start so I can bleed like Noah's Biblical flood while I lay on the couch clutching my heating pad, popping half a dozen Advil and just basically dying of cramps.

Did I say this post wasn't going to be gross? Sorry...

So anyway, all of this has led me to two conclusions. The first is that the new plants I've potted know all about Operation Kill A Lot Of Plants, and they're going on the offense, clogging my ears with pollen until I'm too dizzy to garden/kill a lot of plants. The second conclusion is that Wii Fit don't know Jack about female trouble, because if it did it wouldn't tell me I'm fat when instead I'm actually just carrying around a ton of extra unshedded uterus lining and stocking up on water weight because we all know you can't have female troubles without adding a ton of water weight to your girlish figure. And Wii Fit also wouldn't be giving me crap about missing days because I was too damned dizzy and bloated to get on the machine and work out!

To combat my problems, I sent the Hubster out to get me some Clariten D to unclog my ears. I'm also drinking lots of water to help flush out all the water weight and stave off any ultra-nasty PMS symptoms I fear may be headed my way. And I've tweaked my schedule to give me a little more exercise time as well because if I can get my weight down even a little, that will also help alleviate some of the PMS symptoms which I know are going to be bad.

So that's it for Move It Mama Monday. I'm fat and I'm dizzy and now I have to cope with those conditions and get my assets back on the balance board before I turn into Moby Dick. Wish me luck!

Fiction Friday - The Subtle Knife

After my disappointment with Butlerian Jihad, I decided I really had to go with a sure thing this week. So I picked up Philip Pullman's "The Subtle Knife," and I have not been disappointed at all. I love reading books with depth and layers. I love complicated yet realistic characters, and Pullman's characters definitely fit the bill. When I read "The Golden Compass," I was startled by how well Pullman managed to capture the true nature of childhood. Kids are not simple, happy creatures, but vicious and cunning little savages. Really! Pullman talked about how the children of Oxford college would form tribes and go to war with each other. This is something I recall doing as a child, and it's both delightful and frightening to see that particular aspect of my young life captured on the page.

The Subtle Knife keeps up in the same vein, following the adventures of Lyra Silvertongue and a new friend, Will. While the entire "His Dark Materials" series is billed as children's books, I have to wonder what age ranged the publisher (Yearling) is thinking of. The main characters are children, but the contents of the book are far from childish. The first three chapters include a boy taking care of his schizophrenic mother, a violent death, a torture scene, and a nightmare about a decapitated head. Not suitable fare for my six-year old, I think. She'd probably have nightmares. In fact, it's all scary enough to keep me on the edge of my seat, but I love it and I'll be happy to hand over my copies to Princess when she reaches ten and see how she enjoys them. At six though, she's still a little too young.

If you haven't read The Golden Compass yet, or any of the other books in the series, I should mention that the books are set in an alternate Earth, mainly in England and parts of northern Europe. In this alternate world, airships are the main form of mass transportation, and the lights are anabaric, not electric (though apparently that's the same thing). It's a sort of steam punk world ruled by the Church, a frighteningly totalitarian institution bent on discovering the nature of the human soul and controlling the exercise of free will. This is an exageration of the churches in our real world (though Pullman doesn't have to exagerate much, in my opinion) and the things those churches have done in the name of God. There's a great deal of theology packed into this adventure story, which is probably why I'm enjoying it so much. As a Buddhist, I look at Catholic and Christian churches from an outsider's point of view, and I have no problems dissecting these institutions to see what they've done right and what they've done wrong. I am normally inclined to question what people do in the name of God, and I'm happy to read a book that does the same thing.

Many people have criticized Pullman's books as being anti-Christian. I would say the books are more anti-Church. Again, it's that look at what people do in the name of God, not was God is doing, that's the focus of the story. People may claim they act in God's name, but I think they often do what they want and just use God as an excuse. Many of the characters in Pullman's book are motivated by nefarious goals and quite frequently justify what they do by saying their actions are in compliance with God's will. These people make for some very intense and chilling villains.

Aside from the theology, there's quite a bit of adventure and fantasy to enjoy. There are witches and talking polar bears, and of course the daemons, which are the embodiment of people's souls in Lyra's world. The plot has plenty of twists and turns, the dialogue is believable, and the world building is excellent. I'm about a quarter of the way through the book at this point, and as much as I'm enjoying it, I'll probably have it finished by the end of next week. I'll give a final report then. For right now, I'm giving the book two thumbs up!