New Year’s Resolutions

I resolve not to eat anything larger than my head.

I resolve not to forget to exercise. Doesn’t mean I’ll do it, just that I won’t forget I’m supposed to do it.

I resolve to start calling a toilet a toilet, and not a potty.

I resolve not to let the kids watch cartoons unless I get to sit and watch them too. “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends” rules!

I resolve not to eat cookies in front of my three-year-old daughter, because if she sees me eating them, then I have to share some with her.

I resolve not to stay up past 10 PM, because if I do, I’ll have no hope whatsoever of getting any sleep. Sam still wakes up twice during the night, wanting to nurse, and at least twice a week Cassie comes scrambling into our bed at 3 AM complaining of monsters in her room. None of this is conducive to sleep.

I resolve to promptly forget about all the above resolutions just as soon as I possibly can.

Another Fond Christmas Memory

Cassie got a stuffed doll for Christmas. It’s sort of a horse wearing a frilly dress with petticoats. We decided to call her Hortence. Anyway, Cassie was playing with Hortence the Horse. For some reason, Hortence “died” and Michael had to revive her. This provided some unexpected amusement...

Cassie: Daddy, Hortence died! She’s dead!”

Michael: No, sweetie. Hortence is only mostly dead, which means she’s still a little alive. You know what that means?

Cassie: Um, noooooooo...

Michael: It means we can bring her back, like this!

(Michael proceeds to give Hortence mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Hortence quickly comes back to “life.”)

Cassie (grabbing the newly revived Hortence): Mommy! Mommy! Daddy blow the horse! Daddy blow the horse!

Remember folks, if you just sprayed coffee all over your computer screen, it’s not my fault.